When you’re out there looking for love, or trying to navigate your way through a newish relationship, most women tend to set themselves a list of must-haves. Mine are generally this: funny, intelligent, dark haired, nice smile, good job, friendly face, follows AFL and a little bit taller than I am (even when wearing heels).
If I can find a guy who checks all of these boxes then I’ve got my ticket to a successful relationship and lasting love, right? Wrong. A successful relationship isn’t about how cute you look together, the perfect home, great friends or even having lots of similar interests. Those things just make it look good on paper. What does make a great partnership then?
To find out I fired questions at people who have relationships I admire – friends, work colleagues, even my parents – and soon realised there are certain things every couple needs to work long-term, no matter how old you are or what life stage you’re in.
1. Humour
It seems so simple, but being able to laugh together will get you through even the most mortifying moments – public fights, bedroom bloopers, even a few Ben Stiller-esque meetings with the in-laws. And if you’re really honest, you’d agree the best moments spent in bed aren’t perfecting some orgasmic tantric sex position, but lying there together on weekend mornings chatting and laughing about the week you’ve had. Just like the Mastercard ad. Priceless.
2. Little gestures
Growing up, at least once a week, my dad would come home with a block of Caramello chocolate for mum. It was her favourite. But it never really dawned on me how important that $2.50 purchase was until I was talking to mum the other day. Dad’s not the most outwardly romantic guy; in fact he’s probably pretty standard “Aussie male” material in that respect. He doesn’t ask mum to dance at weddings.
I can’t remember him ever buying flowers, observing Valentine’s Day or anything remotely romantic. Caramello chocolate, though, was his little gesture. “He’d buy it for me because I loved it,” Mum admits. “And he didn’t care if it made me put on a few kilos. He knew it made me smile.” My old flatmate, Nicole, and her boyfriend, Keith, constantly do little things for each other when they think no-one’s watching. He peels her prawns for her, because she hates doing it. He even peels mine sometimes, because I’m her friend.
An old work colleague’s boyfriend walks her up to the office in the morning and comes to meet and walk her to the car most nights. Another friend’s boyfriend – who leaves for work at 5am – sends her a text message every morning at the same time her alarm goes off that reads: “Good morning gorgeous. Have a wonderful day.” These things might come thick and fast when you’re in the honeymoon period of a relationship – opening doors, presents, cute messages, cooking special dinners – but when you’ve been together for years it’s the little acts of kindness that make all the difference.
3. Personal space
My friend Beth* and her hubby John* have to be one of the most together couples I know. Why? Because they’re good at being apart. They have their own lives and friends and often head off to different functions. Or if they’re at the same party they’ll be on opposite sides of the room talking to other people most of the night. In short, they don’t live in each other’s pocket. “You have to be able to have your own life,” says Beth. “He goes out for a night with the boys and I’m okay with that. If I want to do a girls night then I can. You can’t keep people on a leash, you’ve got to have trust. Being comfortable doing your own thing makes spending time together much more rewarding.”
4. The ability to spend hours together
The definition of true intimacy? When you’re comfortable enough to be in each other’s company and not say a word. Sitting at home on the couch together hung over on a Sunday afternoon watching a movie; backpacking through a foreign country; spending hours trapped in the car on a road trip. These moments are often the greatest test of any relationship. Can you make decisions without wanting to kill each other? Are you able to compromise? And, most importantly, how do you deal when something goes wrong? Because when you’re tired, pushed to the limit and in a confined space with no-one else to buffer the situation you’ve got your own personal D-Day. Whether you’re ready for it or not, you’ll have an insight into how you’ll react to life’s bigger challenges. Take note.
5. Fight rules
Everyone fights. That’s a given. What you need to have is some guidelines, a list of unwritten rules on what’s fair game and what isn’t. They’re going to vary from couple to couple but, generally, it’s a matter of not continually bringing up past mistakes when they’ve been forgiven and dealt with. Or not comparing each other to exes or family members.
Something along the lines of “You sound just like your mother” is a pretty standard example of hitting below the belt. One couple I know have a rule that they never sleep on a fight. Another friend said she and her boyfriend have an agreement to never give each other the silent treatment. These are all normal and healthy arrangements according to relationship expert Dr Leonard Felder (Wake Up or Break Up, by Dr Leonard Felder, Pan MacMillan, $25) who also offers these: “No nasty remarks about anyone’s looks or career insecurities.
Even if you feel like saying something hurtful because your partner has already said something mean that upset you, don’t go there. Make sure you take a ten minute time-out where you both go take a walk separately to gather your thoughts. Resist blaming or building a case against the other person.”
6. A no-fail sex position
When you first hook up, there’s always a period of sex – and lots of it. Wild, passionate, crazy tear-your-clothes-off and don’t get out of bed all weekend sex. Why? It’s all about learning each other’s likes in the bedroom, trying a few different positions to see what fits and spending endless hours being attentive to give your brand-spanking-new partner the impression you’re a great lover.
But when day to day life steps in, and the euphoric new love phase turns into long-term routine, you need a couple of moves guaranteed to get each other off. “We both work long hours and we get tired,” says Karen, 29. “Sometimes I don’t have the energy to do the full blown sex goddess routine, but there are advantages to being that familiar and comfortable with each other. He knows what presses my buttons and so the odd quickie still satisfies both our appetites mid-week.”
7. Attraction beyond the mirror
Sure, my must-have man checklist – dark hair, nice smile, height – helps form an initial attraction. But that’s just a pretty cover that gets you to open up the book and start reading. Lets face it, neither of you are going to look the same five, 10 or 20 years down the track. People put on or lose countless kilos, their faces age and their bodies change.
So there has to be something more than just physical attraction. Having been married for 38 years, perhaps my mum puts it best: “Dad’s got grey hair and he wears his pants a bit higher than he did when I met him, but he’s still the same person,” she says. “Besides, you’re never looking at the grey hair, you’re looking at the man that was there the very first day you met.”
8. A life-changing experience
Losing a job, having a business fail, one of you falling ill, the death of a family member. Not things you wish upon anyone, but they’re part of life. Going through something like this requires support and seeing each other at your absolute lowest point. You can’t help but bond in these sorts of situations and, even if it tests the relationship, if you pull through it definitely makes you stronger. Hillary* and her partner suffered one of the saddest experiences possible when they lost a child. “It was devastating. We were both completely shattered,” she said. “You grieve with each other, but there’s no way you could survive without each other’s support. It definitely made our relationship stronger and now I know we can make it through anything.”
9. Belief in the person
I once had a boyfriend who all my friends and family – me included – thought I’d end up marrying. Things were pretty rosy, then he had a career crisis. Even though this was really his personal problem, and not one that directly affected our relationship, it ended up being the catalyst for our break-up. I was so angry at him for taking it out on me, all the time thinking he was being immature and self-centred. The truth is I didn’t have faith in his ability to achieve what he was trying to on the work front. I never said this to his face, I probably didn’t even realise it myself at the time, but he obviously sensed it. We all make mistakes.
We’re emotional, sometimes our judgement is a little off or we don’t succeed on a project. This is when it’s vital to have a strong and genuine belief in the other person – a belief in their decency and ability. It’s often at these times, when a partner’s lost their own confidence, that they need your faith in them most. And if you don’t really believe in someone? Then why are you with them in the first place?
10. Secrets
Keeping secrets from your partner is a big no-no, right? Not always. A diary with your inner-most thoughts, love letters from the first guy who wrote you any, a secret stash of money to spend on Gucci heels you know he’ll think are too expensive. These are the kind of secrets it’s okay to keep. “You have to have a couple of those,” says Penny*, 31, who has a weakness for raunchy romantic fiction that her boyfriend of five years knows nothing about. “It’s my thing, my guilty little pleasure, and it’s not hurting anyone not knowing.I would never keep secrets about the important stuff, but something like this is perfectly fine.” There are lots of reasons a few small things need to remain unsaid. Having your own little chunk of privacy is a no-fail way to ensure you don’t feel stifled in a relationship. More importantly it goes back to remaining your own person. When you’re together long-term it becomes less easy to work out where one of you ends and the other begins. Self-identity is one method of keeping sane and happy. And if you’re not happy in yourself, you can’t really expect anyone else to be.
